Agony and Fantasy: Love just a click away?

I am an old dog. An old dog that has learned more than a few tricks. I was on the internet while most of you were still wearing diapers or just graduating high school. We are talking Netscape and Internet Explorer 1.0. I was an early adopter of MSN's WebTv  as well, cruising IRC chatrooms, MSN, Yahoo, and a myriad of forum boards from coast to coast and then some. In those travels I have seen and experienced it all, and I am here to tell you... the internet LIES.

In those early days, and up into this modern moment, I have seen my fair share of the "internet love" phenomenon in all it's disgusting glory. I have first hand knowledge myself as well of lessons learned, which I will get to. However first, let us outline some common general points of interest to help those daring to read digest what is about to be layed out in horrific reality.

•  The Internet is anonymous, the invisibility it enables allows people to be fully themselves, and it also allows for great deception at the very same time. A double edged sword for you to lay your heart upon.

• People do NOT want reality. You want FANTASY. Reality is boring. The ideal man or woman in perfect construction meeting every need and desire is what you want. The fantasy of that perfect person is better than the person with any slight flaws you already have, or, any you might meet. 

• Desperation is a phenomenal motivator. The only way most see to build their self perceptions and boost their own ego is to find that reflection in another person's eyes. Instead of digging in and building their own self esteem, it is easier to allow someone else to build it for them.

• You're just....... stupid.  

Ignorance is bliss and the fantasy is far better than the cold, lonely reality. Who wants to be lied to? Nobody. Yet, most people love living in a pattern of denial and lying to themselves in order to escape reality.

The internet is... safe. That barrier allows us to become who we think others want. It even allows us to be more of who we are... or who we think we are. It also allows us to believe in what we wish to see, other than what is actuality. People are drawn to cyber-romances for the same reasons they are drawn to face-to-face romances - either they don't have a "real-life" love relationship, or there is something missing in their "real-life" love relationship.The partial anonymity of the barrier of cyberspace allows for an environment where, just like role playing, fantasy and reality lines can blur irreparably. There becomes no distinction between love in the real life world one lives, and the the cyber world. To say this is dangerous and will 99% of the time end in tragedy and heartbreak is a fact that I shouldn't have to tell you. The fact that some reading this are so far in denial that they will refuse to believe it and reject it is a far worse ignorant tragedy. The life you save may be your own.

Storytime: I once met a woman, online in an internet chatroom I thought was perfection personified. We knew each other for almost two years as friends and talked daily before ever becoming romantic. We knew each others lives in and out and due to the fact we had known each other for so very long, were not as cautious as I know now we should have been. A short few months after we had declared our feelings for one another, we decided to wait no further and meet face-to-face. This meeting was then accelerated to me moving across country to live with this woman, in effect, shutting down my whole life and leaving my career and educational opportunity behind in hopes of building a life with the one I love. The first two weeks were fantastic... then... quickly, I learned the true horror of life and love. Her mask fell away and I learned that she was absolutely certifiably mentally ill. She was a former heroin addict, had a bestiality fetish, and a compulsive liar. She was in debt and was to lose her house. Some of this I found out while I was there, other things her sister who remains a close friend to this day, had clued me in later after I returned home. She also had two children who were ill with medical issues. I had known about the children, the medical issues were never discussed. While I was there the daughter, aged 7, underwent a major surgery to move her heart. This I discovered when my so called mate and her daughter came home 5 hours late one evening. It was NEVER discussed beforehand. Surprise! Also, from her sister I had learned later that I was not the first, and am not the last. This woman kept ensnaring lonely men in her web of lies, wanting someone to save her from her life and herself. If you're looking for a savior ladies, there are none. If there is you will be only trapped and indebted to that man for the rest of your life. A gilded cage because you failed to live life by yourself and be self sufficient. Good luck with that as well.

I was there for a little under 2 months. Putting up with rage filled mood swings, thrown objects, and overall odd behavior. During this same time her sister and I believe that she was cheating on me to boot, as as soon as I left, another man moved in. Take note here: We knew each other for over 2 goddamn years and spoke online... and by phone daily/nightly. Every fucking day! Still, she kept her real face, the reality of her situation and her craziness from me. Artifacts of a horrible tragic past were never told to me until after I had left and returned home. Since then, according to her sister, she had returned to drugs use, began stealing property, moved in and out man after man to play her savior, and lost the children to child services for neglect. Finally, she went back to her ex-husband (who incidentally abused her emotionally and physically for 10 years prior) for a year before he cheated on her with a middle management fast food franchise associate, his supervisor, and left her for life in the fast lane of retail food preparation. Oh the joys and wonder! Yet I know if I were in contact with her today, I would not know half of that.

My point is that anyone can deceive you. Anyone can fool you when you want to play the fool so badly. Immersion into a fantasy life is all too easy when we find it better than our real lives. Alas the cure for loneliness is not simply another person, it is being happy and content with yourself. Until you are you aren't going to find a mate that is real or worthwhile anyway. The dysfunctional life you may have at home, the lack of love, the lack of connection... just like anything else in today's modern life becomes disposable. Easier to get a new one then fix what you have. Problem with that line of thinking is that the common denominator is usually YOU. The thing that needs fixing is staring in the mirror back at you. Depending upon others to make you happy will never, ever, ever, ever... NEVER make one truly happy. It just doesn't work like that. Sorry. Cold, hard truth.

Online relationships are just that...online relationships.  Make it real, or accept the fantasy. Accept that you cannot take it farther because you are too scared or they are and move on. Accept that it is not real because the persona you are masking yourself with is not real, or you do not trust that they are. Accept that you are married and either fix it, or get out on your very own. Accept that they are married and if they really wanted you they would do something, anything, move a mountain to be there with you. Accept that you like lying to yourself because it makes life easier to deal with.

When you want something real.... you have to take real risk.

Unless you meet in real life, real honest to goodness actual physical material life......... IT IS A FUCKING FANTASY! Period. There is no gray area here. It is all your imagination, and theirs. A shared dream. A lie.

Even then, you can be lied to. People can lie to you in real life so easy and without remorse or guilt, what makes you think that people you meet online have any trouble doing it on a much simpler and easier level?  People live secret lives that their family and friends never see or know about for years and decades, imagine the simplicity of doing that online.

I know by now some are in full denial mode where they are shaking heads in contempt and thinking that they are special, they are exempt and what they have is real. Yeah, that is exactly what I thought. The "Oh but we are soulmates" BullShit! "He/She finishes my sentences" or "They are the only one who truly KNOWS me."  That is what many couples believe up until they find their mate in bed with another man, or woman. Or both. Or even a dog (don't ask!) You are not exempt and you do not have a perfect radar/lie detector. There is always a better liar, or better secret keeper than you. Psychologists make mistakes. FBI profilers are occasionally wrong. Deception is all too easy as it often is only.... omission.

And for those who are engaging in infidelity on either side, you are by far the worst of all. He or She already has a connection deeply entwined with others. It is called "A FAMILY". It is called a "Wife" or a "Husband". Or  maybe you have that same connection. If they or you are not happy, then move the fuck on. It IS that simple. It is YOUR Life. Live it already before it is taken away from your cheating useless ass. Remember that karma is a bitch and your infidelity will come back to you. He or She is cheating on their spouse. You will be no different. If that cheater is you, then you are wrecking homes, lives and causing undo suffering to all involved. All because you are selfish beyond definition and afraid to face your life you have created. Sitting behind a keyboard cybersexing is still cheating if you are with another. It will come back to you. Do you really want a person with as questionable morals as you have to be with? You are willing to trust your heart and your life with someone who is completely comfortable with deceit and trickery? I guess the end justifies the means for some of you that are lost and desperate.  You will give away all that you are rather than face responsibilities or confront bad situations you put yourself in. That is just plain wonderful. Enjoy your fucked up mess life! If I were you I would start worrying when and how the mate you chose for your fake love and imaginations will cheat on you and leave you. It is the natural order.

Online relationships can happen incredibly fast. When involved online with someone, you don't experience the negative body language or warning signals that may occur when you meet face to face. You are taking the other person's word on trust - while he or she may be romancing four or five others with the same lines that you find appealing. You may be giving a false impression of yourself due to dissociation from your real life, and it's consequences. If you're not telling the whole truth, can you really expect anyone else to? WOW that is awful hypocritical of you! So, when you are deceived and lied to, and it turns out to be not all what you expected. Do not feign surprise, it is called your bed, you made it, now lie in it!

Low self esteem and loneliness as well as poor impulse control will be the undoing of any relationship, add that to an online one and you have a powder keg of misery waiting to happen. Make it real or fantasy. Accept it or accept the consequences.

If no one in the relationship is making plans to take it that next step, then guess what? It is fantasy. It is a lie. It is not going anywhere and it is not growing like normal relationships do. Shit or get off the pot!   

Lastly, I myself have found my love online as many of you know. We are progressing. We have made plans, set dates, and have an itinerary. We are testing what we have been culturing and nurturing and shall see IF what we have is real. That is what you are supposed to do when you are in love, be together. 




P.S. it is easy to deceive, there are only between 6 or 7 people who know my real face. The rest of you may think you know, those who really do are sworn to secrecy. Why? Because it makes the point. We are who we portray. We are who we want others to see. 


~PW 








*Portions of this post were borrowed and analyzed for research purposes from:


http://bipolar.about.com/cs/menu_chat/a/0302_online1.htm

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200412/cyberspace-love-online

http://www.chowk.com/articles/10388